SUGGESTIONS FOR THE FORMER
DIESEL/ELECTRIC SUBMARINER WHO MISSES "THE GOOD OLD DAYS ON THE BOATS."
1. Invite 80 people you don't really like to come
and visit for a couple months. Don't have enough food for them. Limit showers
to weekly for all guests.
2. Spend as much time as possible indoors and
avoid sunlight. Only view the world through the peep hole on your front
3. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Two to
three hours after you fall asleep, have your wife shine a flashlight in
your eyes, and mumble, "Sorry, wrong rack."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across
the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level.
Shower once a week. Use no more than 2 gallons of water per shower.
5. Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week.
Store garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
6. Paint the windshield on your car black. Make
your wife stand up through the sunroof and give directions on where to
drive. Drive through as many big puddles as possible.
7. Leave lawnmower running in your living room
six hours a day for proper noise level.
8. Replace all doorways with windows so that
you have to step up AND duck down to go through them.
9. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of
water and set it to "High."
10. Buy bunk beds (4-high type) and convert the narrowest
hallway in your home to a bedroom.
11. Hook up your air compressor to the sewer line to
the house and blow a shit geyser ten feet in the air. Come inside and tell
your wife 'calmly,' "I forgot to shut the valve." Then, make her and the
kids clean up the mess.
12. Change the plumbing under your house so that the
sewer line is vented inside your home.
13. Every so often, yell "Emergency Dive," run into
the kitchen and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the
floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea."
14. Take the jack handle out of your car's trunk and
install it in the ceiling over your stove. Several times a day, give it
112 turns and yell, "Main induction secured."
15. Practice walking quickly with your back to the
16. While doing laundry, replace liquid fabric softener
with diesel fuel.
17. Fill laundry tub with oil. Lay in it, on your back,
and change the washers in the water faucets.
18. Take hourly readings on your electric and water
19. Cut a hole in the floor of your house and install
some batteries. Go down there once a day and take specific gravities.
20. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug
them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular)
"Stove manned and ready." Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again
to nobody in particular) "Stove secured." Roll up the headphone cord and
put them away.
21. Give your wife more free time. All of the ironing
goes under the mattress.
22. Tag out the steering wheel, gas pedal, brake pedal,
transmission and cigarette lighter when you change the oil in your car.
23. At night, replace all lightbulbs in the living
room with red bulbs.
24. Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
25. Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands
on the wheel and the engine running, but don't go anywhere. Install about
200 extra oil temperature gages. Take logs on all gages and indicators
every 30 minutes.
26. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
27. Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on
TV, and then only at night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch,
then watch a different one.
28. Have the paper boy give you a haircut.
29. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without
looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
30. Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.
31. Eat only food that you get out of a can or have
to add water to.
32. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Optional -- cold beans and weenies,
canned ravioli or soup).
33. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and
then scramble a dozen each morning.
34. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to
sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking. Never wash any coffee cups.
35. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan
while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level
off the top.
36. Raise hell with your wife when she serves steak
the next time. When she says that that's the way it came from the store,
you ask, "BURNT?"
37. Go to the market and buy 100 quarts of milk. Pour
them into a large white trash bag and secure. Put the bag in the refrigerator
and rename it: "The Cow."
38. Use Kool Aid on your breakfast cereal for two months.
39. Just have someone chew your ass out over nothing,
40. To duplicate normal in-port routine, hire about
20 drunks to come into your house about one in the morning and start cooking.